Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money
by I heart Star Trek
Summary: The Spaceballs are back, still needing a fresh air supply. Dark Helmet is still surrounded by Assholes and is out to get Lone Starr, who is still married to Princess Vespa. Although he does not understand what is so special about her nose. Yogurt is really into merchandising and Lone Starr needs more money than the original million space bucks.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Lone Starr hadn't seen the Spaceballs for years. For this, he was grateful. He had had to rescue the ungrateful Princess Vespa from President Skroob. At first, he had thought she was a total self-occupied b!tch, but then he grew to like her. Though he still didn't know what was so special about her nose. However, this story is not about Lone Starr and his wife's nose. Except for this part. Enough about Vespa. Nor is it about Barf, Lone Starr's loyal friend. Barf was mawg, half man, half dog and proud of it. This is about the Return of the Spaceballs. Like Lord Dark Helmet. And Colonel Sandurz. It may include Major Idiot and Gunner's Mate First Class Idiot. Maybe Snotty.

"Stop." Dark Helmet ordered. He thought carefully. The Return of the Spaceballs, this ought to be good! That means that Lone Starr didn't defeat him completely before because he got to make a comeback! But Planet Spaceball still needed a supply of air, since the air stolen from Planet Druida had been stolen back from them. "Light speed to Planet Taller! They have an aird shield with even better air under it than, what was that planet?" Dark Helmet turned to Colonel Sandurz.

"Uh, Planet Druida, sir." The Colonel answered Dark Helmet's question.

"No, that wasn't it. I thought it was Planet Nacluv." Dark Helmet was very confused.

"Lord Dark Helmet, Planet Nacluv was where we tried to get the power of logic. The Nacluans were a very logical people and logically refused us, saying that we would use the wrong type of logic to do our deeds." A young ensign remembered.

"Don't correct me!" Dark Helmet pulled out his ring and killed the man using the Schwartz. "You, gunner. What's your name?"

"Gunner's Mate First Class Philip Idiot, sir!" First Mate Idiot declared.

"Wait a minute? Weren't you here before?" Dark Helmet said suspiciously.

"Yes sir! In the last movie, about half your crew were Idiots." The First Mate told him.

"How many of you are related to the Gunner's Mate?" Dark Helmet asked his crew. Everyone raised their hand. "NOOOOO! I'M STILL SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

On Spaceball One, Snotty was preparing to beam an unexpected visitor onto the ship. It was Backbencher Rear Admiral Arugon. Arugon was assigned to help Dark Helmet break the air shield on Druida and defeat Lone Starr once and for all. And, if they could manage it, to get Puke, that ugly doan or whatever it was. However, the priority was the air supply and Lone Starr. Oh yes, and merchandising. Hello, the movie was called _Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money_!

Yogurt was in the middle of making merchandise. He had just completed the five thousandth Yogurt doll that actually talked and used the Schwartz. Now, it was time to start the Dark Helmet dolls. Although why anyone would want a Dark Helmet doll was beyond him. Yogurt dolls were much cooler, though not quite as popular as the ones based off of Lone Starr.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Pizza the Hutt had supposedly committed suicide many years ago; when Lone Starr had first found out he was a prince. Everyone had thought he had eaten himself to death, literally. However, Lone Starr had just found out that the rumors were false when Pizza the Hutt was alive and well and waiting on planet Ri-Ham-Soo. Wait a minute, Lone Starr thought quickly, then I still owe him one million space bucks! Suddenly, his viewer came on.

"Hey Lone Starr. Where's my million space bucks? I've been waiting ten years for them!" Pizza the Hutt said angrily.

"Pizza! Hey, what's up?" Lone Starr tried to keep his cool, "I thought you had committed suicide!"

"Of course not! Pizza the Hutt would never commit suicide. Now, with all the interest and the previous total, you now owe me..." Pizza paused dramatically, "three million space bucks."

"Three million! Pizza, I don't have three million space bucks!" Lone Starr shouted.

"Three million is only the interest. You still owe the original one million. If I don't get my four million space bucks in five days, I'm going to send my, wait one sec," Pizza turned around to shout at one of his men. "Yo, I need my line!" He waited for the crewman to move the camera and listened carefully to what he was supposed to say. "Lone Starr, I need four million space bucks in five days, or else I'm going to use my new alliance with the Rihamsoo to kill you!"

New alliance with the Rihamsu? Even if Pizza hadn't been presumed dead, Lone Starr had never thought he would ally himself with the _Rihamsu_! "Don't worry, Pizza, I'll get you the four million." Lone Starr turned off the viewer. Four million space bucks! How was he supposed to get four million space bucks in only five days? Damn, Rihamsu! When allied with Pizza, you got not only Pepperoni, but Ham also! Didn't they know that Ham should only be with Pineapple? Now this really was a Search for More Money!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Lone Starr was cruising through the galaxy, looking for old kings offering three million space bucks as a reward for bringing home their kidnapped daughter. Suddenly, he had an idea. He could go an unknown planet, disguise himself to look like the natives, kidnap the princess (or equivalent) and demand three million space bucks in return for her safe return. "Hey, Barf, get up here," he called back to the mawg. Barf sleepily made his way to the front of the _Eagle 5_ and sat in the seat next to Lone Starr's.

"What is it, Lone Starr?" He asked grouchily. Lone Starr better not be doing something stupid.

"Where's an unknown planet?" _ What the hell? _Barf thought. But he answered Lone Starr's question.

"There." He pointed on the map.

Lone Starr frowned. "That's an unknown planet?" He was certain he had been there before.

"Yeah, it's unknown." Barf assured him. "No one's ever been there."

"Okay. Let's go to the surface, find a princess, demand three million space bucks in return and get this over with."

"Didn't we do that in the last movie?" Barf asked Lone Starr, confused.

"Yeah, so what?" Lone Starr shrugged.

"Well, isn't the point of a sequel to follow the action from the previous film?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, aren't we just doing the same thing?"

"Nah, we're finding someone else. And more money."

"Didn't you marry Vespa?"

"Yeah. But I told her I wasn't going to be back for dinner."

Barf sighed. Lone Starr still should consider his wife. Vespa probably wouldn't be too thrilled to find out her husband had gone to rescue another princess. "Okay. As long as we're home for dinner, and you don't do anything inappropriate, it's fine."

Lone Starr whooped with joy.

"But you don't get to marry this princess, what's her name anyway?" Barf scratched himself and bit angrily at a pesky flea.

"Her name is Aiel. She's from the planet of Maidmers." Lone Starr said.

"I thought this was an unknown planet," Barf searched harder for the flea.

"I discovered it a few years back. But no one else has ever been there. I'm certain of it." Lone Starr explained. Barf nodded, this made perfect sense.

Meanwhile, on Spaceballs One, Lord Dark Helmet was saying something very excitedly while pointing at the viewer.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

"There it is! The _Eagle 5_! Helmsman!" Dark Helmet commanded.

"Yes sir?"

"Follow that ship!" He scratched his head in thought and added, "but don't let them know that you're following them." Dark Helmet started coughing violently and released the visor of his helmet. He breathed in deeply and started humming. Everyone on the bridge listened in amazement as he hummed the entire soundtrack from _Spaceballs: The Movie_.

"Lord Dark Helmet!" The helmsman shouted. Dark Helmet instantly used the Schwartz and suffocated the offending officer. "My liege," he whispered, slowly losing oxygen. "What if we were to use the tags?" Surprised, Dark Helmet released the helmsman.

"What do you mean, use the tags?" Dark Helmet asked, confused.

"We aim the torpedoes at the ship, but instead of firing a torpedo, fire a device that will track the ship. They'll think we missed their ship when it doesn't explode and we'll be able to follow them."

"Of course!" Dark Helmet shouted, "I've found the solution. We'll load the torpedoes with tagging devices that will track the ship!" The helmsman shook his head. That had been his idea, but if it didn't kill him, he'd gladly let Dark Helmet take credit, even though the entire bridge crew had heard him say it.

Dark Helmet pressed a button the chair. A coffee cup came out, filled with a caramel cappuccino. He took it awkwardly and stabbed another. This time he found the right one. "Dark Helmet to Engineering."

"Engineering, Snot here." Came Engineer Snot's voice.

"Snotty, load the torpedoes with tracking devices." Dark Helmet ordered. He scratched his head. "Wait, Snotty. I thought you were supposed to be on Planet Spaceball."

"I was, sir. Then I received new orders to report to the _Spaceball One_." Snotty explained.

"Fine." Dark Helmet was about to abort communications when he remembered why he had called engineering in the first place. "Snotty, can you modify the torpedoes to not explode when fired? As well, change it so that the torpedo has a tracking device on it that will attach itself to the ship."

"Aye, sir. How long do I have to do this?" Snotty asked, carefully.

"Ten minutes!" Dark Helmet said imperiously.

"Ten minutes!" Snotty cried, outraged. "Tis nay enough time! I kennae know if I can do it in ten minutes!"

"Well, actually, you have nine minutes and thirty seconds." Dark Helmet said. He heard Snotty doing something. Three minutes later, Snot's voice came back.

"Torpedoes online. I've made the necessary changes, sair, but I kennae know if twill work." Snotty said, his Scottish accent growing thicker.

"Helmsman, fire torpedoes!" Dark Helmet ordered. The Helmsman complied.

Back on the _Eagle 5_, Barf was moving the ship into a trajectory course towards Maidmers. When they arrived, there was no one else in established orbit around the planet, so Lone Starr and Barf hatched a plan. While they were doing that, the ship suddenly shook. "Barf! What was that?"

"It would seem that someone has fired torpedoes at us." The mawg scratched his ear, trying to find that pesky flea.

"Who?" No sooner than Lone Starr had asked his question that they received an incoming message. "What the hell? I thought almost no one knew we were here."

Dark Helmet's face filled the viewer. "Noooo!" Lone Starr cried. "It's the former roommate of my father's nephew-in-law's cousin!"

"We meet again, Lone Starr." Dark Helmet said evilly.

"What are you doing here?" Lone Starr asked.

"What are you?" Dark Helmet countered.

"We're going to kidnap the princess for three million space bucks." Barf announced proudly.

Dark Helmet made a face and turned back to the camera men. "What's my line again?"

"No you're not; I am!" Someone shouted.

"I'm not what?" Dark Helmet screamed back.

"You're not; I am!"

"Not what?"

"You're not!"

This went on for a while until Dark Helmet finally realized that was his line. "No you're not, I am!" He announced boldly.

Then, Lone Starr had an idea. "I have an idea," he said. Everyone looked at him. "Whoever finds the princess first can kidnap her." Dark Helmet nodded in agreement. They beamed down to the planet's surface.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

"Barf! There she is!" Lone Starr shouted excitedly. Barf looked up and wolf-whistled.

"What?" He asked as Lone Starr looked at him oddly. "She's really cute."

Lone Starr raced towards her. But as soon as he neared the princess, someone else had already grabbed her. "Hey!" He shouted angrily. He ran to the other person and stopped in surprise. "Dark Helmet? What are you doing here?"

"We are stealing their princess to get through their air shield and use their life time supply of clean air, as we didn't get the Druid's." Dark Helmet explained. He coughed violently and took his helmet off. "What are you doing here?"

"We're kidnapping the princess for three million spacebucks ransom because apparently Pizza the Hutt didn't die at the end of the last movie. We were searching for easy money when we decided to kidnap this princess on an unknown planet." Lone Starr tugged the princess away from Dark Helmet.

"As your older relative, I order you to give her to me." Dark Helmet said angrily. He pulled out his Schwartz ring. Lone Starr scoffed, because he knew the ring had nothing to do with the Schwartz; his ring had been from a cereal box or something. Suddenly, Lone Starr had an idea. He swung a karate chop over Dark Helmet's hand and stole the ring, placing it on his own finger.

"Whatcha gonna do now, Dark Helmet?" Lone Starr teased. Hopefully Dark Helmet didn't know about the Schwartz's un-connection to the ring.

"I'm going to use the Schwartz!" Dark Helmet announced grandly. "You don't have to have a ring; it's all inside you."

"But we're related. You can't kill your relative." Lone Starr pleaded. Barf snorted in disgust.

"Lone Starr, you're not related to him. He's your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."

"Thanks a lot, Barf." Lone Starr said sarcastically.

Dark Helmet pulled out an object from his pocket and tossed one to the princess. "Here sweetie, just hang onto this for me. Now, Snotty."

Before Lone Starr's eyes, the princess and his arch-enemy disappeared.

Dark Helmet coughed violently. "Snotty, can't you get that thing to work any smoother?"

"I'm tryin' th' best I can, sair!" The engineer's brogue said. "Tis a new technology. It's harder to operate than th' ludicrous speed in th' plaid zone!"

"Where's the intercom?" Dark Helmet asked. Snotty pointed at the wall and Dark Helmet stalked over to it. "ASSHOLE!" He barked.

"Vhut did you just call me?" A heavily accented Russian voice came through the speaker.

Dark Helmet frowned. "Who're you?"

"I em Chuikoff."

"Where is Major Asshole?" Dark Helmet asked.

"On ze planet Srisua, sair." Chuikoff replied. "He is using his annual shore leave ticket that he got last veek."

"Okay, then." Dark Helmet said. "Chuikoff, send me five Spaceballs."

"Zey're on zeir vay."

"What was that?" Dark Helmet asked.

"Zey're on zeir vay." Chuikoff repeated.

"Sir?" A young lieutenant stepped forward. "I believe he said they're on their way."

"WHO ASKED YOU?" Dark Helmet asked angrily. He focussed the Schwartz ring on her.

"No one, sir."

Dark Helmet grinned evilly. "Exactly." He used the Schwartz and the lieutenant was screaming on the floor, clutching at himself. "Anyone else going to interrupt me?" He asked. No one replied and Dark Helmet left with his Spaceball followers.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Lone Starr hadn't been a hero in _Spaceballs: The Movie_ for nothing. He decided that he was about to become the hero again, with Barf as his loyal sidekick. "Hey, Barf. We're not going to kidnap a princess after all."

"Then how are you gonna get Pizza his three million spacebucks?" Barf asked.

"We're going to save the princess Dark Helmet kidnapped." Lone Starr said grandly. Barf snorted in disgust. "C'mon!" Lone Starr ran to the _Eagle 5_, with Barf hot on his heels because he didn't want to be left behind. The _Eagle 5_ took off and all that the people left behind could see was the blinding vision of Lone Starr's bumper sticker: I Uranus.


End file.
